Double Coupons
by choirgrlalex
Summary: The real reason why Brown and Jones got replaced... Why not just take away their cars? ...as I delve into the dark land of humor...
1. Double Coupons

It was bright. And it smelled a little musty, like old person concentrate with a dash of lemon. And there were too many people, but he knew that could be easily fixed. As long as the mainframe would let him, but that was looking doubtful. At least for now. His cart was revealed to inhibit the incessant nature of squeaking each wheel with every foot of movement, and always veering to the right. He needed to go left. It was definitely not a pleasant experience.

The checker flashed a sick and rather lopsided smile as he approached. He noticed her name tag was rather strange – it displayed her exceedingly long name 'Elizabethanne Stephanopolis', with a smaller note that read, 'You know, like the news guy!'. He felt the now common pang of jealousy hit again – _he_ never got a name tag, and if he ever did, he was sure that it wouldn't be as intricate as the one Elizabethanne was wearing.

"Hi there," she drawled, revealing a slight Southern accent. She flashed another lopsided grin as he began to hand her his merchandise.

Elizabethanne Stephanopolis (You know, like the news guy?) wasn't surprised when he didn't reply to her greeting. Lots of people didn't. It made more sense when she began to check his items one by one.

Shoe polish, laxative, ice cream – all the items only a businessman would possess. Plus, it was metamucil double coupon day, so laxatives had been selling quickly. What _did_ surprise her was the items that followed.

Sunglasses, sunglasses, sunglasses…

"Stocking up?" she mused, plastering her dopey smile all over her face. _Stop smiling!,_ He silently begged. She continued to grin.

He said nothing, so she silently continued to ring up the merchandise. _So many…_ she thought_, he must have bought us out completely.._

"Alright," she said after finishing. She swiped at a bug. _Stupid gnats…_

"That'll be 202.66," she told him. The man made no movement to pay her.

"Why don't you check it again?"

She swiped at a bug. _Stupid gna-_ _hey_, she realized, _déjà vu!_

"Déjà vu!" she proudly exclaimed, glancing about the store in search of the trigger. She didn't find it, and instead decided to explain herself.

"Do you ever get that?" she asked stupidly, "Déjà vu is _so_ funny."

The man was staring at her.

"Oh, sorry. That'll be 154.02," she said. He made no move to pay her.

"Why don't you check it again?"

She swiped at a _– hey, déjà vu!_

"Déjà vu!" she proudly exclaimed, glancing about the store. She decided to explain herself.

"Do you ever…." _Hey,_ she realized, _déjà vu!_

"Ummm…" she continued, her mind beginning to go in circles, "…Uhh."

He was growing impatient. The glitches weren't working nearly as effective as he'd hoped. 

"Oh," she finally said, rubbing her head. She was developing a headache quickly _– why couldn't he have gone to register two??_

"Ah, that'll be 24.49," she said, smiling another lopsided and now thoroughly confused grin.

The man pulled some money out of his pocket and began to count slowly. _Still not enough,_ he silently raged. A line was beginning to form behind him – he could hear the customers' impatient sighs from behind him. He'd have to hurry if he wanted to avoid a confrontation. But who knew how much more the primitive checker would take? Probably not much. _One more try._

"Why don't you check it one more time?" he asked with an exasperated sigh. "I need it cheaper."

_Okay,_ she thought as she swatted at a gnat, the stupid things…

"Déjà vu," she said detachedly, her headache growing more painful. She had the intense and growing feeling that she had done the exact thing times before…

"Deja… vu…" she repeated, her head now pounding. _I need a break_, she quietly whined, rubbing her temples.

"The price?"

"Ahh," she mumbled, "ah… right."

"That's ah…" she squinted her eyes, hoping that her muddled brain would right itself, "that's gonna be 3.95," she told him. The man proudly shoved a handful of coins towards her. She hated it when they did that – make _her_ count everything… - but didn't say anything. Elizabethanne Stephanopolis (you know, like the news guy?) just prayed that the man would never show up at her neighborhood drug store _ever_ again.

"Perfect change!" she exclaimed in a perfect feign of friendliness, popping open the happy register. She playfully plunked the money in and closed it again with a bang. The man flinched at each jarring noise.

"I'll put your receipt in the bag," she told him, starting to smile again. Her headache began to lessen as she placed the long roll of paper in one of his many sacks. He didn't say a word as he picked up the bags from his cart and left. 

"Have a good day," she cheered as she moved his cart back to its home, but he had already left. _What a dumpus_, she thought with regret, walking back to her cubicle of checkerdom. Just another notch in the strange customer belt. She took her quick break from work to notch it, as it was displayed in the back room.

The man was surprised when a lady approached him when he had exited the store, her eyes on fire. _She's got guile_, he thought, feeling a little threatened. He gave her some room and waited for the onslaught. She licked her lips a few times before speaking.

"Do you even know how to park?!" she asked, a bubble of spit landing on his face. The woman had fake teeth, and seemed to be having trouble keeping them in.

"You think you're so high and mighty," she continued, mocking his impeccable posture. Her top dentures suddenly popped out, and she shoved a hand forward to catch them from falling. She quickly jammed them back into her mouth and stared at the man in fury. He silently asked the mainframe for relief, but they told him not to eliminate anyone that day. It was Monday, and they were already backed up from the weekend.

"_Oh_," she said, suddenly stepping backwards, "Am I _boring_ you? Am I a _joke_?" she scoffed, shaking her head slowly. And then she punched him square in the face.

He didn't move, but was a little shocked at the random act of violence. He hadn't expected it at all, and stumbled backwards from the force. He waited a second to let his eyes right themselves before trying to think. He wanted to cry from the shock of it all, but held it in. He didn't want another embarrassing situation like _last time_… It came out as a high-pitched sigh.

"_Wierdo_," she called, finally going back to her car, which looked a little like a canoe on wheels. His sunglasses fell to the ground in two pieces.

His partner suddenly appeared at his side.

"People," he breathed.

The first man pulled out a new pair of sunglasses from one of his bags, and put them on his naked eyes. 

"Nice," the other said, nodding his head in approval.

"I think the term is 'magenta'," he replied, adjusting them appropriately.

"The hearts suit you," the second one said. They both nodded silently for a moment before they picked up their bags again to head out to the car.

But it wasn't where they left it – conveniently located in two parking spaces – just to make sure that they didn't get any door dings. It certainly seemed like a waste to remake their car only because of a ding…

"Not _again_," one moaned, smacking himself in the face. The other clenched his jaw in a feign of masculinity.

Their car was being towed. And rather quickly – the truck was already pulling their sweet wheels away and out of the small parking lot.

"Oh no he _di'nt_," the one without sunglasses said, "I'm _not_ letting this happen _again_." But he didn't move.

Suddenly the tow truck was gone, and in its place was a large puff of green smoke that slowly spread through the lot of cars. Both of them heard a scream come from inside of the store, and heard someone shout "That's it, I've _finally_ lost it!". The one guessed that the final glitch had done her in.

Their car bounced to the ground and rolled it's way backwards, and before either of them could say '_jinkies_!', it had already slammed into another parked car.

"_Damn_," was their simultaneous reply. They looked at each other for a moment, then ran to their car without another word. They backed up, and screeched out of the parking lot with a significant new ding on the rear bumper. Their hearts fell at the thought of remaking their car again – they had been doing it so _often_ now…

They checked their rearview mirror frequently during their drive back to the condo, just to make sure. They had been pulled over before, and both were sure that they'd be in trouble if they had to get themselves out of jail twice in one month.

"Metamucil?" the one asked, offering the other the can as he drove.

"Delightful," he replied, taking a powdery swig from the plastic container. He grimaced while chewing.

The other adjusted his sunglasses again. Just another eventful day in the life of Brown and Jones.

Meh, I wish I were funny. This is just a few random thoughts of mine. More chapters, but very slowly. Funny flows like glue.

Comments? Ideas?


	2. Pointlessness

"Well _that_ was pointless,"

"Hey, _I _wasn't the one who wanted a snack break,"

He was affronted: "But I was _hungry_," came his small reply. She rolled her eyes.

"_What?!"_

"Nothing."

Alias was about to lose her cool – Trim was being so ingeniously annoying that she couldn't get to the phone fast enough. They were going to try and get information on their new recruit, but she lost hope of doing anything productive fairly quickly. Instead of visiting the recruit's university, Trim had led her into the nearest McDonalds. And then to the nearest Chinese restaurant, playfully labeled 'Poo Ping'. Alias hadn't eaten.

A skateboarder whizzed past them. Alias rolled her eyes again as he did a few tricks on the curb. During one particular jump though, he fell to the street, splashing into the stagnant water. Alias stifled a laugh – Trim didn't. But the little punk wasn't offended by Trim's chuckles – he merely got up and resumed his wheeled jaunt. 

In fact, he ended up falling the exact way as before, and their reactions were strangely similar as well. _Déjà vu…_ Alias thought as Trim's laughter died down. The skateboarder shook his head and began to walk down the street. _Good idea_, she thought. 

"Wait a second," she thought aloud, the kid already zooming out of sight, "Déjà vu??"

"Cool," came Trim's reply, "I _never_ get that…"

Alias sighed angrily.

"Hey _Trim_," she started in a mockingly cheerful tone, "Why don't you check on our exit while I…" … she lost her idea _– think of something_!… "While I… keep tabs on the front?"

Trim's eyes widened.

"A job!" He exclaimed, skipping off to their exit. Alias, not alarmed in the slightest, began to pick flowers.

"ooh," she cooed, "Pretty flowers!" Obviously the real world had been lacking in aesthetically pleasing environments. Alias, for the moment forgetting the glitch – or even what she was supposed to be doing, plunked herself onto the messy pavement to observe the fragile works of art closer. She didn't see Trim galumph towards her in a state of panic.

"Alias! Helpy!"

She jumped a few inches off the ground and in the process, ruined some of her flowers.

"You little piece of –"

"No!" he shouted, trying to pull her off the ground. It didn't work. "Helpy?"

"What is the _problem_?" she finally asked, getting herself to her feet. Trim looked like he was about to wet himself.

"Our _phone_ is _gone_!"

Alias gave him a look that plainly said – 'That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard of.' But he wouldn't have it, he insisted that the phone was gone. 

"Disappeared!" he told her. Alias still didn't believe him, and was about to go check it out for herself when she heard a chilling voice from behind her.

"What's up?" Jones asked, waving like a fiend. Brown was beside him. Jones got a quick jab to the ribs, and was soon subdued.

"Oh, _noooooooooooooooooo_!" Trim shouted, drawing out the word for effect. Trim didn't get to be in the matrix often.

Alias grabbed for her flowers and was about to run when she noticed something strange. The agents weren't doing anything.

"Where do we go?" Trim asked no one in particular. "The phones are gooooo-"

"Trim, get _going_!"

"-oooooooooooooooo-"

"_Trim_!"

"-ooooooooooooooooooooone!"

Alias stamped her foot in agression. But Trim wouldn't go anywhere. He was still playing up the moment. And the agents were still standing where they were.

"Nice glasses," Trim offered Brown. He muttered a quiet 'thank you' and adjusted them appropriately. Alias looked at Trim in wonder. Then she looked at the agents.

"Why aren't you chasing us?" she asked. She picked up a flower that she had dropped, making sure each petal wasn't crumpled… The agents started scuffing their feet on the street, clearly dreading the thought of answering.

"Ah," started Jones, "We _kind of_ got our guns taken away."

Alias looked at them in wonder. Then she looked at Trim. _What the hell?_

"But if you'll wait, we might get them back soon," Brown offered. He adjusted his sunglasses again – and it wasn't appropriate to. He just liked doing it for attention.

Alias sighed. 

"So did _you_ take away our phones?" Trim asked, more comfortable. Brown and Jones nodded in triumph. 

"Why didn't you do it earlier?" Alias asked. The agents now looked very uncomfortable, and shifted on their feet.

"Uh," Brown started, "Technical problems?"

Both the agents had a coughing fit.

"Humph." Was Alias' reply. She was surrounded by idiots. Trim nodded in empathy for the agents, and Alias smacked him. He rubbed his arm.

"I thought only programs glitched though," she asked them curiously. Jones rubbed the back of his neck.

"Oh," he started, "That's just Joe, the skateboard guy."

"_Skateboard guy_?"

"Well technically skateboard _program_," he said, annoyed by her lack of knowledge, "But he just makes sure all the skateboards in the matrix work right. _You_ know."

Alias paused. 

"I think we'd better get going," she told Trim firmly. When he shook his head in disagreement, she grabbed him by the collar and dragged him away. The agents were sad.

"Are you sure you don't want to wait?" Jones asked, "We might get them back soon!"

Alias didn't reply. She pulled out her cellphone, (Thank goodness that hadn't been taken away!) and called Kesia.

"All the phones are gone," Kesia immediately told her. Alias sighed.

"We know. How do we get out?"

Kesia took a few minutes to respond, and Alias finally hung up when she got tired of holding. When she tried to call back, the phone line was busy. 

"Stupid no call-waiting!"

A few minutes later Kesia called back.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."

Alias waited for an answer.

"I think modems work the same," she offered. "There's one in the house in front of you."

Alias hung up the phone and stomped into the house, Trim dragging behind her. She didn't care that she was barging in on someone's dinner.

"Hey!" said some guy.

"Mommy!" said some kid.

"Ah, go away." Said Alias. They gave her the evil eye, and continued dinner.

So they went to the computer, and checked out the modem. It was a pretty typical modem, and Alias made Trim try the thing first. He put it up against his ear, and it started to beep. You know, that really _loud Beeeeeeeeee-uh-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-uh-eeee-uh! SCHCHSCHCHCHCHCH Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_. Anyway, he didn't like it. But Alias kept him from taking it off his head, and in a few seconds, he was gone.

Alias repeated it, and was gone too.

Brown and Jones were lonely. :(

Heh. I know it's not hilarious, but it's food for thought… why _don't_ they take away all the phones??


	3. Digressions of the Reloaded Kind

A flashback to better times: The three agents versus Trinity and Co.

Jackson, Johnson, and Flippy weren't much of an upgrade from Brown and Jones. Sure, they were bigger and sure, they had cooler sunglasses – but other than that, they were pretty much the same. Flippy was just homosexual. Seriously, the mainframe was really mad about Smith abandoning them, so they made the new Smith equivalent gay. It was supposed to be a slap in the face, but Smith was too busy being vain to notice the diss. He was all admiring his selves while the new trio tromped around in the matrix chasing after all the bad people.

So it came to be that there was a freeway chase. Jackson and Johnson decided to take the cars with only two hosts because they didn't want Flippy bothering them anymore. He didn't match their outfits (too much velour), he didn't match their coolness (too much commentary), and his name didn't start with a J. Anyway, they were chasing Trinity and the Keymaker and Morphues and the Twins and such. Now, they weren't really supposed to bother about the Twins, but they hated people who worried about their clothes too much. Consequently, they hated the Twins.

It early in the fight that they realized that something drastic would have to be done. Trinity was evading their every move with their stupid Caddy, and the Twins were stealing all the good chase spots with their aggressive driving.

_What would Brown and Jones have done in this situation?_ They asked themselves. Well, the answer seemed obvious enough. _Poor Elizabethanne would be hospitalized after this one_, they thought with a grin.

One second, there were two Cadillacs in front of them. The next second, there were two Playskool cars. You know, those plasticy van-looking things that you play in when you're a kid? They have little pedals to move the car along, and a sun-roof, and only two seats? Yeah. Those Playskool vans. Anyway, there were two of those out there. 

Trinity changed gears instantly, her feet immediately slamming on the pedals to get them moving again. Morpheus sat to her right, his head and arm sticking uncomfortably out of the car… and worse, the Keymaker was now hanging onto the car by the sunroof. The Twins had it equally hard, but only because of the position they were standing in before the glitch.

Two was sitting at the steering wheel, cursing his fate. He would have to locomote this piece of filth in his white boots?! It was an abomination. One, even worse off, sat atop of Two, his already small frame contorted to fit through the sunroof. One knew he was stuck, and just tried to stay as comfortable as possible with his machine gun resting on the top of the plastic coupe.

Unfortunately for Jackson and Johnson, they didn't realize the immediate effects of their little switch. Traffic had decreased exponentially, and they were now going at about 2 miles an hour down the freeway. Cars flipped behind them, unable to slow down in time to meet the suddenly deadened traffic. Trinity was moving as fast as she could, but if things didn't change soon, they would all be dead in a matter of seconds. 

"Oh, crap," Jackson muttered, and summoned up another glitch. Just in time, too…

Trinity's van was instantly covered in a layer of suction-arrows. Twin One looked at his automatic in disgust, and pulled out another arrow from the barrel. 

_Orange?!_

He would have jumped out of the car and destroyed them himself, but he was hopelessly stuck in the sunroof. 

"Hey, Jackson," Johnson suddenly said, his eyes alight with excitement, "Let's do that thing we practiced last Saturday!"

"The cool thing?"

"Yeah! The cool thing!"

"Okay!"

They pulled up next to Trinity's van as she watched them with trepidation. Johnson opened up the passenger door and climbed on top of the car. He smiled once before jumping.

"Here I cooome!"

And he landed on her van, but hadn't anticipated that it would be as light as it was. His face displayed his sudden shock, and the Keymaker watched in wonder as the agent teetered on top of their van in front of him. Nervously he slapped the agent's feet, and soon enough Johnson had toppled over and onto the ground. It was obviously too much for him, because once he fell off he walked to the other side of the highway in a state of dejection. 

The twins had had enough. Twin One suddenly remembered that he could phase, and jumped out of the car with nimble dexterity. _Dexterity?_ Maybe nimble nimbleness. Anyway.

"Come on, dopey," he called to Morpheus, "Let's go!"

"Dopey!?" Morpheus shouted, "Dopey!?"

"Morpheus, calm down," Trinity soothed, "Center yourself."

But it was too late, and within seconds Morpheus had pulled off his door and jumped out of the car, his head and arm still hopelessly stuck in the window. It was quite uncomfortable.

"Nobody calls me dopey, ho!"

The twin recoiled, deeply offended. 

"Ho?" he asked, hands on his hips, "You are _so_ asking for it."

He lunged at Morpheus, arms in a frenzy – and soon they were completely enveloped in a girly fight. The keymaker, after a few seconds observation, decided he had had enough and dropped off the top of the van to escape by himself. Trinity watched with amazement as he hobbled off down the empty freeway to freedom. She continued to evade the other twin in their tricked out playskool vans. 

"Neo," she said with a sigh, "If you're out there… I could use some help."

He appeared a second later in front of them, a look of disbelief on his face.

"I leave for one _second_," he started, shaking his head, "And _this _is what happens."

"What?" Morpheus asked, forgetting his fight with One, "I thought we were doing good."

Neo rolled his eyes. "Come _on_."

Everyone watched silently as Trinity and Morpheus walked over to where Neo stood. Neo crossed his arms and rolled his eyes again. 

"Byonk!"

And they all disappeared.

Flippy walked up to Jackson and motioned for him to roll down the window.

"I told you he was gay."

A/N – wow, that was really random. Sorry for completely and randomly changing generations on you… just that my family had a really funny conversation today about this, and I needed to get it out of my head before I forgot it. Flippy was my creation!


End file.
